My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
