pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
