the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
