Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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