y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
it's great music for shaving your balls
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
