i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
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