Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
