He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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