I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
