that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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