sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
