Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
