It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
