Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
