You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm just crazy horny about you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
