They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
