ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
