I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
