i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
