so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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