Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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