I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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