he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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