I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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