if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize