i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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