Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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