So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
