I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
zippers are such a cool invention
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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