I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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