I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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