From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
