When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
