Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
