i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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