sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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