Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
