Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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