Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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