It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm determined to sit on that face.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
