he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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