Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
two words...techno handjob
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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