the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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