Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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