My balls are so social today.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
