I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
