covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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