im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
