My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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