If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
