I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
