I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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