I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
