I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize