i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize