I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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