If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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