ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
