Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I can't turn off my feet"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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