you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
40s are totally the cure
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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