Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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